Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum… but it will probably feel just as weird and pulpy as it sounds. "We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts." He might have to insert his head into your chest cavity, forehead up, but give it a shot. "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… Then lick it off." How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it?Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times." If, at any point during this oddly elaborate ritual, he looks confused, toss him a heated stare and say, "I crave you" — you know, to clear things up. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door." The other two-thirds might think it's alarmingly precalculated, but that's a risk worth taking. "Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men." I think that means you are one married man and two standard deviations from overthinking foreplay. If these don't skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don't know what will." I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow "drowning in drool" slipped right by me. "Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)." Your vadge is a hog, women. And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting?This is the "potpourri" section — a grab bag of ludicrous suggestions that range from the gustatory to the cinematic. “Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body." There's a variation on this mainstay of the canon in almost every issue.
Throughout my long tenure writing Ridiculous Tips For A Miserable Sex Life, I've taken aim at various targets, but one publication stands out as a bastion of weird and wacky sex advice — always chipper, always in a numbered list, and always ill-advised.Here at Cosmo, we know a thing or two about instant gratification, and you can download all our hot tips on relationships, sex, beauty, and fashion plus fun, interactive elements you won’t find in the print magazine right now.Download our free app today to have Cosmo at your fingertips whenever you want it. Please note that you must have i OS 6.0 or higher installed on your device to use this app. Even if most dates don't work out, you'll have met some cool new people and grown your odds of meeting the right one." —Emma Tessler, founder and executive matchmaker for The Dating Ring and veteran dater (she went on 115 Ok Cupid first dates before finding her now-fiancé … You shouldn't give up on it, but it definitely demands a very honest relationship with the city. Within the next five minutes, you'll discover if that guy is attracted to you. I'd bring a book and feel like I was at home in the bar, so I wasn't constantly like, 'Oh my god, is he here yet? ' If his train was delayed 20 minutes, I would still have a drink and a book to read. That way, when he got there, I was feeling in control of the situation." —Emma Tessler"The first thing that you have to do is take your checklist and throw it away. If you're in a city like New York and the pool of men is already smaller than the pool of women, don't shrink it by adding requirements for height and hairline. There are so many more important things to focus on, and you might end up being attracted to someone totally different from who you expected." —Emma Tessler"Everyone says they have standards for how they want to be treated because it's fashionable to say, but they only have standards with people they don't give a shit about. It's extraordinarily rare that a woman actually makes our job easier. If you continue the conversation, you'll never know if he's actually attracted or just going with the flow. I'm not saying it's an excuse, but sometimes that is the case." —Jordan Carlos"Being good at writing an online profile only means that you're good at writing an online profile. A lot of great people suck at writing online-dating profiles and taking pictures. So date everyone." —Emma Tessler"Go someplace you feel comfortable. I would always go stake out a spot and get there early.
:#([\w\-] )|(\w )|\.([\w\-] ))$/, M=/^:not/, N=/[\x20\t\r\n\f]*[ ~]/, O=/:not\($/, P=/h\d/i, Q=/input|select|textarea|button/i, R=/\\(?!